The Incredible Exploding Kitchen Effect (Soil Culturing Experiment Update)

The best thing I can say about this experience is that I wasn’t wearing white. I should add the miracle that Nine Months Pregnant Wife Upstairs somehow remained asleep when I squealed in horror as the first gush of red sludge hit the spotless white ceiling, and then during the ensuing banging and clanking as I frantically wiped down kitchen appliances, the countertops, the windows, the ceiling, the floor, the walls, the cat…

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s back up a bit to my brilliant idea a few weeks ago.

I was going to cleverly and deviously save tons of money on soil-based probiotics by growing my own from cultured soil. My first mistake was trying to grow it as if it were beer or spumante in a pop-top bottle like this. My drenched kitchen and pajamas are testament to the fact that the gas created by your brew inside the bottle will result in a lovely, heartwarming this when you open it.

My second mistake was thinking beets would be such an AWESOME additive for the organisms to feed on. Are you prepared to hose down your house afterward? And your kids and your neighbors? Because that shit is BRIGHT RED. Use sugar, syrup or something else to feed your bugs. If you’re looking for a starch, cellulose or plant fiber to add, try white rice or cabbage.

And finally, I was just harebrained enough to pop the bottle in the house. The thought of turning your interiors into a scene from Dexter should tell you all you need to know: open your concoction @OUT. SIDE. But I’m not against “burping” your bottle daily if you can remember, and are sufficiently pathetic. Alternately you could just place the cap on the bottle but don’t “pop” the latch down. This will allow gas to escape but keep bugs and most other bacteria out.

So after spending my first hour of the day scouring and mopping, there was thankfully about a fifth of the bottle left inside for sampling. The liquid smells pretty rank, kind of like cow patty on a hot day, and comes out kind of thick. I’ll let you imagine the taste then (think nuanced hints of colostomy bag with a faint background of septic tank). And I can’t be sure I cultured all the SBOs I was looking for. But I definitely grew something funky, so I’m calling the experiment a success.

I’m currently growing the remains with a kinder, gentler color (just a few tablespoons of maple syrup) and making sure to keep the bottle unpopped overnight.

Take care when you do this. Your ceiling will thank you.





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